The Lie of Helen of Troy
The dental hygienist peered into my mouth at the gap where my front tooth used to be. “How did it happen?” she asked. “Did you fall?”
“I bit a piece of soft caraway-rye bread.”
“Oh.”
It started when a previous dentist botched a simple filling. I returned to him four times to have it fixed, and on the final visit, he hit my root, so I needed a root canal. During the root canal, he compromised the integrity of my tooth enough that I had to have my tooth ground down to a peg and a cap placed on. No surprise that, instead of lasting ten years, the peg snapped after three, breaking off at the gum line.
And so there I sat in the office of my new dentist, a hole in my mouth, with two important flute performances (one of which was my brother’s wedding) scheduled, and my own wedding day less than six months away, and asked, “What are my options?”
My dentist adjusted my x-rays on the 8”-by-11” illuminated screen. “You could have a bridge put in, but that would mean destroying the healthy teeth on the sides.”
Ruining two more teeth? No thanks. “What else?”
“We could try to drive a peg into what remains of the tooth pulp, but there’s not much left and we can’t guarantee how long it’ll last.”
“So I’d lose my tooth again at some undefined time in the future?” I asked.
“Unfortunately, yes.”
“Are there any other options?”
“An implant.”
“How long does that take?”
“Usually eight months to a year.”
And my wedding was in . . .
That night, when I got onto webcams with my fiancé (now my husband), I didn’t even want to look at my image on the screen. Not only did I have no front tooth, but my eyes were puffy from crying and ringed in black from a lack of sleep.
And maybe that shouldn’t have mattered. Maybe I shouldn’t have been so devastated. It was just a tooth.
But I’d bought into the Helen of Troy lie. In Greek mythology, Helen was a demigod, the daughter of Zeus and the queen of Sparta. When Helen reached marriageable age, anywhere from 11 to 36 suitors (depending on the source you read) competed for her hand because she was the most beautiful woman in the world.
Reports differ on how Helen later ended up with the Trojan prince Paris, but the Greek poet Sappo says she simply deserted her husband and nine-year-old daughter to go with him to Troy. Her husband wanted her back, and put together an army to attack Troy. Unfortunately, the ships they were to travel on couldn’t sail because there wasn’t any wind.
Agamemnon sacrificed his daughter, Iphigenia, to get wind. For Helen.
Iphigenia’s mother (who was also Helen’s sister) argued with Agamemnon, telling him he was “buying what we most detest with what we hold most dear” (Euripides, Iphigenia in Aulis, 1170). She called her sister a “wicked woman,” but to no avail. Iphigenia died. Troy fell. Helen abandoned Paris and later betrayed to death the man she took as a lover after him. When her husband went to kill her for her infidelity, she dropped her robe and her beauty stayed his hand.
They didn’t compete for her, fight for her, kill and die for her because she was loyal or intelligent or brave. They did it because she was beautiful. Her beauty made her the most desirable and valued woman in the Greek world.
The lie of Helen of Troy is that beauty is purely physical and that it matters more than character, more than honor, more than intelligence. The lie of Helen of Troy drove me to starve myself and work out for four hours or more a day to try to become beautiful.
The lie of Helen of Troy made me actually worry that my fiancé might stop loving me if I wasn’t pretty on the outside.
But he knew that without me ever having to tell him because he knew me. When our webcams turned on, he called me beautiful, but then told me what made me beautiful to him.
It wasn’t my eyes. It was the things we had in common. It wasn’t whether or not I had wrinkles (or a tooth). It was my brain. It wasn’t anything physical at all. What I looked like was just a bonus, he said. What made me beautiful was who I was inside and the things I did.
I’ve never felt more beautiful than when I saw myself through his eyes. And thanks to him, I’m starting to see the lie of Helen of Troy for what it is—just a lie.
When have you bought into the lie of Helen of Troy? What helped you see it for a lie?
This post was written as part of the Beauty of a Woman blogfest being hosted by the truly beautiful August McLaughlin. Visit her blog tomorrow (Friday, February 10th) to read a bunch of inspiring stories and for chances to win awesome prizes, including a Kindle Touch or a $99 Amazon gift card, body image coaching, BOAW mugs, and more.
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Post a Comment
Emma Burcart says:
Thursday, February 9, 2012 at 9:12am
Beautiful post! I’m sorry you had to go through all the dental drama, though. It is rough. I became so much happier when I accepted my crooked tooth as a part of me and realized I am beautiful with it. Now I don’t care when people ask me what happened.
Marcy Kennedy says:
Thursday, February 9, 2012 at 5:25pm
I think I would have gladly kept my crooked front tooth too, though for years I was embarrassed by it
It wasn’t much comfort to have the dentist telling me how much better the implant would look than my original once it was done. I honestly just wanted my tooth back 
Julie Hedlund says:
Thursday, February 9, 2012 at 9:50am
I’m teary after reading this. I’m also a little in love with your husband.
What a good man! And he was/is so right.
Marcy Kennedy says:
Thursday, February 9, 2012 at 5:26pm
I let him read my blog posts in advance (I figure he deserves the sneak preview because he’s my husband), and he sent me this one back with a comment saying “It’s just a true today as it was then.” He got a big hug for that
Melinda says:
Thursday, February 9, 2012 at 10:01am
Awwwww!!! That was beautiful. Truly. Can you please give your husband a giant hug from me? That has to be the most romantic thing I’ve ever heard of. You have a good man there. Reminds me of mine
. And while I know how traumatic the tooth thing was, just think what a memory it is now! For all time you will never, ever forget the details surrounding your wedding. As the years go by that will be a special, wonderful thing in itself.
Marcy Kennedy says:
Thursday, February 9, 2012 at 5:28pm
I’ll pass the hug along
It does make everything better to go through it with a good man at your side, doesn’t it 
Prudence MacLeod says:
Thursday, February 9, 2012 at 10:29am
We’ve all bought into the lie at one time or another, and sadly, we probably will again.
What gets me through it is my partner K, a truly beautiful woman indeed. She always says, “I wish you could see yourself through my eyes.” Gets me every time.
Prudence MacLeod says:
Thursday, February 9, 2012 at 10:30am
PS, that husband of yours is a real Keeper. Cherish him, for he too is beautiful.
Marcy Kennedy says:
Thursday, February 9, 2012 at 5:29pm
Thanks
I try to remind myself of the way I see my friends too. When I look at them, they look beautiful to me even though they don’t think they are. We’re so much harder on ourselves sometimes.
Shannon Esposito says:
Thursday, February 9, 2012 at 10:47am
What a traumatizing time that must have been, but what a great lesson for all of us that came out of it! Your hubby is a wise man
Marcy Kennedy says:
Thursday, February 9, 2012 at 5:30pm
Hehe. I’ll tell him you said that
Ingrid Schaffenburg says:
Thursday, February 9, 2012 at 11:33am
Sounds like he’s a keeper
Beautiful post Marcy!
Marcy Kennedy says:
Thursday, February 9, 2012 at 5:30pm
Thanks, Ingrid. He definitely is a keeper
Kristen Lamb says:
Thursday, February 9, 2012 at 12:03pm
You know what? I bet that bi$#@ had long skinny legs, too, LOL.
You poor thing! Not only did that have to be painful, but expensive, embarrassing and…PAINFUL. Oy vay!
What a wonderful post. Your posts always inspire me and you are one of the most beautiful people I know. By the way those freaky red ears of yours are because they burn from me telling people how awesome you are
.
Marcy Kennedy says:
Thursday, February 9, 2012 at 8:16pm
And here I thought it was sunburn from that scorching Canadian winter sun
You are a blessing to me.
Unfortunately it was painful (really, really painful), embarrassing, and expensive. The benefit I gained from it, though, was being reassured about what kind of a man I was marrying. And that was priceless
Sheila Seabrook says:
Thursday, February 9, 2012 at 12:35pm
You made me cry, Marcy. What a beautiful story with such a happy ending. Accepting ourselves — having those around us accept us as we are — is the most wonderful gift we can ever receive.
Thanks for sharing!
Marcy Kennedy says:
Thursday, February 9, 2012 at 9:11pm
So true (and you said it so well in your post today). I find that surrounding myself with people who do accept me as I am helps me accept myself a little more.
Lisa Hall-Wilson says:
Thursday, February 9, 2012 at 12:42pm
We’ve been writing together for a long time, so I was privy to all the tooth drama and I know how difficult that was for you – on top of all the stress of planning a wedding and trying to build your writing career.
((hugs))
You are beautiful inside AND out. Chris is good for you
Lee
Marcy Kennedy says:
Thursday, February 9, 2012 at 9:14pm
I think we’ve both picked husbands who help us be stronger women
Thanks for the hugs and for being such a great friend.
Debra Kristi says:
Thursday, February 9, 2012 at 1:32pm
Oh girl, I can imagine the stress and pain that caused you. I remember how I felt about my wedding, and you know what – it’s just a day. You have the rest of your lives together. You are so blessed to have such an amazing man at your side. So sorry you had to go through that traumatic ordeal during the planning stages and so close to the day. You’re right,Helen’s beauty is a lie. Too bad so many have so much trouble seeing past it.
Marcy Kennedy says:
Thursday, February 9, 2012 at 9:22pm
It is just a day, but if the post-wedding me had told that to the pre-wedding me, I don’t think she would have believed it
My mom ended up picking up a lot of the slack for me in the months leading up to the wedding, making calls and arrangements, while I was having the implant surgery, going for my check-ups, and getting fitted for a fake tooth.
Kara says:
Thursday, February 9, 2012 at 1:34pm
Beautiful, beautful post. Many times I have found myself buying into the Helen of Troy lie. It is so difficult in our world to get away from it I think. But you are right it is just a lie. Sounds like you have a keeper too!
Marcy Kennedy says:
Thursday, February 9, 2012 at 9:25pm
Thanks
We live in a world where it’s everywhere, and we learn it from the time we’re little girls, making it very hard to get away from.
Fabio Bueno says:
Thursday, February 9, 2012 at 1:36pm
“The Lie of Helen of Troy”: well put.
What a touching story, Marcy.
Marcy Kennedy says:
Thursday, February 9, 2012 at 9:23pm
Thanks
Stacy says:
Thursday, February 9, 2012 at 1:49pm
This story is really making me think. I’ve been gaining some weight over the past few months, and have been really self-conscious about it, even (or perhaps especially) around my husband. But he’s just like your fiancee – the type that’ll always say how beautiful you look even when you feel just the opposite. We are some lucky women!
I hope everything works out with your tooth, that is just the pits
Marcy Kennedy says:
Thursday, February 9, 2012 at 9:28pm
We are lucky women!
It worked out okay. The implant they put in grafted well to my bone, and they were able to eventually attach a fake tooth to the metal screw. And the fake tooth looks real enough that people don’t know unless I tell them.
Coleen Patrick says:
Thursday, February 9, 2012 at 2:28pm
I would’ve cried too Marcy and not just because I hate anything that has to do with the dentist.
The image thing is hard because even when you think you’re okay with it, there’s still that moment where you have to deal with taking that esteem out in public.
Marcy Kennedy says:
Thursday, February 9, 2012 at 9:35pm
Taking it out in public was a real issue. I’m a smiler, so there was always a battle in my mind when I was around people. I kept learning and re-learning lessons.
August McLaughlin says:
Thursday, February 9, 2012 at 4:05pm
Oh, Marcy… Your post sums up the message of the blog-fest in such a unique and personal way. I love that your husband loves you for your brain, heart and person. All of that radiates from inside out and, like Myndi said in her post, is contagious.
Marcy Kennedy says:
Thursday, February 9, 2012 at 9:36pm
Thank you, August
And thank you for the privilege of participating in this blogfest with so many other incredible people. (I loved Myndi’s post too 
)
Alicia Street says:
Thursday, February 9, 2012 at 4:19pm
Marcy, you never fail to amaze me.
Marcy Kennedy says:
Thursday, February 9, 2012 at 9:37pm
Thank you
Tameri Etherton says:
Thursday, February 9, 2012 at 5:43pm
Yep, that Helen needed to be slapped several times. I love that you called her out for the lie she is.
You have a very beautiful smile, so I’m assuming all went well with the dentist thing. Still, like you said, keeping your own tooth would’ve been better. Sorry you had to suffer. Like those before me, I think your husband is super fabulous and deserves a huge hug (which I’m sure you give him everyday!).
Stay beautiful, Marcy!
Marcy Kennedy says:
Thursday, February 9, 2012 at 9:54pm
Thank you for the lovely compliment
It did work out okay. My dentist took good care of me and even called in favors to make sure I got the best specialist for the surgery and a good fit on the tooth made for me. And the ladies at the specialist’s office were so wonderful to me, wanting to know all about the wedding plans.
Louise Behiel says:
Thursday, February 9, 2012 at 8:21pm
He’s definitely a keeper. Weddings are so important to brides – marriages matter to wives. Funny how that works, isn’t it?
we’ve all bought and perpetuated the lie of Helen of Troy. I’m working to be conscious of my words and opinions with my granddaughters – I don’t want to reinforce the lie.
Marcy Kennedy says:
Thursday, February 9, 2012 at 9:58pm
It is funny how that works
I’m much more interested now in making sure we have a strong marriage than I am in looking at the wedding day pictures.
I’m sure you will be a strong positive influence in the lives of your granddaughters
Jenny Hansen says:
Thursday, February 9, 2012 at 8:27pm
Lovely, Marcy. Completely fantastically lovely.
Marcy Kennedy says:
Thursday, February 9, 2012 at 9:59pm
Thank you, Jenny
Susie Lindau (@SusieLindau) says:
Thursday, February 9, 2012 at 9:09pm
What a panic you must have been going through with your impending wedding. You certainly found the love of your life! I have always thought of my body as very separate from myself. It is just my shell.
It is so great that your husband knew that about you too!
Marcy Kennedy says:
Thursday, February 9, 2012 at 10:00pm
He’s a smart man
Angela Quarles says:
Thursday, February 9, 2012 at 9:10pm
Beautiful post, Marcy. You have one Made-of-Awesome finance’s!
Angela Quarles says:
Thursday, February 9, 2012 at 9:11pm
Erg! Stupid auto-correct! That’s supposed to be fiancé, not finance’s, LOL!
Marcy Kennedy says:
Thursday, February 9, 2012 at 9:38pm
Hehe. The auto-correct gets me too sometimes
Chris Saylor says:
Thursday, February 9, 2012 at 10:50pm
Marcy dear, I think I like your readers. They seem to have lots of good things to say about me–though I suppose I have your unfailing support and generosity to thank for that.
Leila says:
Friday, February 10, 2012 at 9:00am
Thank you for sharing your story. It took me long enough to be able to look in the mirror and see myself. I now treasure every freckle, gray hair and laugh line I have. They all tell me I’ve lived life. That is beautiful.
Lynette M Burrows says:
Friday, February 10, 2012 at 12:02pm
Marcy, wow. Tears for your pain, inner and physical, and for the absolutely beautiful persons you and your husband are. “The Lie of Helen of Troy” will resonate with so many women. Thanks for being brave enough to share this story and to strip the lie down for us. We all need the reminder that it’s what is inside that counts.
Patricia says:
Friday, February 10, 2012 at 1:16pm
Well alls well that ends well. My goodness you had one stubborn tooth didn’t you. I hope all the flute playing went well.
Your future husband sure knew the right words to say didn’t he? He loved you for the things he could directly see.
You are an amazing woman, Marcy and beautiful to boot!
This blogfest is an awesome tribute to women everywhere!
Patricia Rickrode
w/a Jansen Schmidt
Ginger Calem says:
Friday, February 10, 2012 at 1:27pm
Oh my gosh, as someone who is a total-dental-phobe, I cringed reading about your experience. Like, hands over my mouth, shaking and freaking scared! But then I teared up because your husband is a treasure and I’m happy you found each other.
Thanks for sharing, Marcy!
Serena Dracis says:
Friday, February 10, 2012 at 1:50pm
What a moving post. How stressful for you, and what a prince your husband was. I loved reading this!
sharon k owen says:
Saturday, February 11, 2012 at 8:40pm
I loved your post. It made me think of some of the women whose physical beauty I envied when we were younger.
If the lie of Helen of Troy is a burden for women who aspire for but never achieve that beauty, think of the ones who do achieve it for a fleeting time.
If that beauty is all that ever made them feel worthwhile, how hard it must be when time and experience diminish it.
corajramos says:
Sunday, February 12, 2012 at 4:55pm
I cringed while reading your post. I’ve always detested going to the dentist. I have so much work on my teeth, it’s round three for some of them. I used to have nightmares of my teeth falling out then waking in a sweat-so I felt your pain. The good out from it all was that you saw that your husband was so loving and understanding. A real keeper.